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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24879847">Fractured Moonlight on the Sea</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFeistyRogue/pseuds/TheFeistyRogue'>TheFeistyRogue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Critical Role Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Boys Kissing, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Campaign 2 (Critical Role), M/M, Moral Dilemmas, Morally Ambiguous Character, POV Caleb Widogast, Romance, Spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:54:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,712</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24879847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFeistyRogue/pseuds/TheFeistyRogue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Caleb contemplates exactly why Nott's plan to punish Essek perturbs him so.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Critical Role Fics [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800271</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fractured Moonlight on the Sea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Transcript from Campaign 2 Episode 99 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Then we will punish Essek, or at least see that he gets some sort of… I don't know, there has to be some sort of… we can’t just let him go.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Justice?”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “We’ll add him to the list.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “He can be at the end.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “We’ll be at the end.” </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Under the neverending night imposed by the Kryn Armada, the evening grew late with nary a sign but the ever-present tick of Caleb’s mental clock. Veth’s words echoed around his head, exactly as she’d said them, his perfect recall as equal a curse as it was a blessing.</p><p>
  <em> We can’t just let him go. </em>
</p><p>Of course they couldn’t. Essek was a war criminal, a liar, and a traitor. He was the reason that relations between the Empire and the Dynasty had deteriorated into all-out conflict. His motivations had been selfish and his desires greedy. Caleb’s hands clenched against the wooden railing, the sharp edge digging into his palm.</p><p>
  <em> We can’t just let him go. </em>
</p><p>He stared into the black waters of the sea lapping at the bow of the ship. The Ball Eater was quiet, everyone long retreated into their shared sleeping space. He ought to join them, create the protective bubble they now slept in once more, and take his rest. </p><p>
  <em> We can’t just let him go. </em>
</p><p>“Scheisse,” he muttered. He ran a hand through his hair, fingers catching on salt-matted knots. If only life were that simple. If only Caleb could just let the thought of Essek go and join Veth in her righteous quest for vengeance. And wasn’t that ironic? Caleb allowed himself a quiet, bitter laugh. Nott, the thieving goblin that had murdered many a creature was now Veth, a beautiful halfling woman with a thirst for justice.</p><p>A quick glance about the deck confirmed that the rest of the Nein were still below. Galen was performing repairs on the stern and the nearest ship was at least fifty feet away, the member of the Righteous Brand keeping watch hardly paying him any attention. Why would they? Caleb was unassuming in appearance and unassuming by nature. For a moment, his fingers itched with that familiar lust for power and recognition, one that Master Ikithon had trained into him, one he’d never quite managed to train out of himself. A subtle, insidious Suggestion could cause much more trouble and chaos than a Fireball ever could hope to. One Invisibility and a few whispered words...</p><p>But no. For all his anger craved an outlet, that would not help. Putting those detrimental thoughts aside, Caleb drew a breath and began casting a spell that Jester more commonly put to use.</p><p>“Essek. It’s Caleb. If I could have a moment of your time. I’m above deck.”</p><p>He stared out at the expanse of ships, many of them lit by golden candlelight or torches, fireflies against the midnight blue sky and the ink dark sea. If he listened closely, he could hear muttered conversations over the constant swell of the ocean, nothing distinct, but enough to know that they were not alone. </p><p>Essek’s reply came in the form of a sigh. “I’ll be there in a moment.” He sounded weary. Caleb had probably awoken him; it was long past midnight.</p><p>For an instant, Caleb felt a pang of guilt, then he hardened his heart. If Essek had not wanted to be held accountable, then he should have considered further the consequences of his actions. Caleb had lived his entire life facing the consequences of his own.</p><p>A soft thud accompanied by a buffet of air announced Essek’s presence, silent other than the effects of the teleportation spell. Caleb turned and his breath caught at the unexpected sight of Essek in such disarray. </p><p>Essek’s hair, normally slicked back, was soft and ungroomed, wild in the way that could only be the result of a night spent tossing and turning on pillows. He was in a formal robe, but it was done up haphazardly and he’d missed the two highest buttons, exposing the unblemished blue-grey skin of his neck and throat, normally covered by the collar of his shirt. His feet were bare. Vulnerable. Perhaps it was a facade, as they knew Essek to be fond of, a contrivance to make Caleb feel sorry for him.</p><p>Caleb swallowed and met Essek’s gaze, as difficult as it was to maintain eye contact. Even if it was a facade, despite himself, it was working. Yet, for some reason, he found that it only stoked his anger.</p><p>They stood in silence for a long moment, until Essek cleared his throat. </p><p>“Yes? How may I help you, Caleb?”</p><p>The fury that Caleb had been keeping buried roared forth like a wildfire in a dry savannah. It must have shown on his face, because Essek winced, no longer looking quite so imperious.</p><p>“I know that we have already discussed this, but it is not a simple matter of forgiveness. It is not easy to move on. Seeing you today… it brought back those feelings with a vengeance. I do not know what to do, Essek. You have put us in quite a difficult position.”</p><p>“I know. I am sorry,” Essek said. He sounded contrite, but he was a good liar, one of the best Caleb had ever met.</p><p>“It feels like sorry should not be enough. So easy to say, so hard to prove. And yet, to say that it is not enough is to make me a hypocrite. We have all done awful things, me most of all. Is it right that I am allowed to go about unpunished for what I have done?” </p><p>They had all caused other people pain, some undeserved and some not. The Mighty Nein were far from perfect, but would they instigate a war? Caleb was not naive enough to think it was not possible. They were all complicated and passionate people. Caleb clenched his hands so that his fingers did not tremble and stared into the distance.</p><p>“So I wished to speak with you alone, because I am hurt and I am angry and I am confused. And you know? I think the person I am angriest with is myself, for being such a fool. Gah! I am so angry with myself. I wanted to trust you, Essek. A part of me did, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I thought… ha, well, I thought a lot of things. Things that were wrong, that were stupid. But knowing that now, it doesn’t stop how I feel.” </p><p>He took a shuddering breath and glanced at Essek. Caleb’s speech had struck him hard. Essek bowed his head, his demeanour expectant of one anticipating a blow. Like water on a fire, Caleb’s anger was quenched. He continued in a whisper, unable to keep words trapped inside.</p><p>“I thought you were my friend. Perhaps more than a friend. That is why I am angry, Essek Thelyss. I do not like to be made a fool of and you have truly made one of me.”</p><p>Silence fell between them. Caleb was content to let it sit, at least while he gathered himself.</p><p>“I like to think… we are friends,” Essek said, each word spoken as if he were casting a dangerous spell. “At least, I think I would like to be. In the short time we’ve known each other, all of you have shown me what it means to no longer be alone. And you especially, Caleb. I did not think I would get along with another of my like. But here we are.”</p><p>“Here we are.” Caleb huffed, feeling a strange sense of relief that he had given into the emotions he’d had building in his chest, and extended his senses, searching for the mental reassurance of Frumpkin. The monkey scrambled down from the crow’s nest and settled on his shoulder, warm fur soft against his cheek. He felt like he was looking in a mirror, watching himself make all the same mistakes over again, and yet this time his nightmare was not of a young boy with hands full of fire, by instead Essek, offering a dodecahedron to Ikithon’s grasping hands.</p><p>Part of him felt that if he could save Essek, he could save himself. But that was nonsense; both Essek and Caleb had already made their mistakes.</p><p>Essek took a few steps forward, extending a hand to stroke Frumpkin’s tail. Without warning, Frumpkin leapt into Essek’s arms and climbed up his body until he began grooming Essek’s hair. Caleb felt his cheeks redden and snapped his fingers, discorporating Frumpkin, mentally apologising. The monkey had only acted on his own subconscious wishes, after all.</p><p>“He is precious,” Essek said, the corners of his lips quirked into one of his cautious, infrequent smiles. “I have not yet had the opportunity to summon my own familiar, but I find it will be first on my list of things to do once this chaos is over.”</p><p>That verdammt smile. Caleb glanced down so that he no longer had to look at it and found himself startled once more at Essek’s bare feet. </p><p>“Ah, yes. I was in a bit of a hurry. My apologies.”</p><p>For a man who kept his cards close to his chest, he was quite talkative when he wished to be. Caleb sought around for another topic, exhausted after baring his emotions.</p><p>“Are you cold?” Even as the words left his mouth, Caleb found he regretted them. He strode to the edge of the deck instead of waiting for Essek’s answer and gazed out to sea. Showing affection, showing that he cared—these were all mistakes. The Mighty Nein had somehow carved out a place for themselves in his heart and Essek had snuck in, riding their coattails.</p><p>“I am warm enough, thank you.”</p><p>Caleb tensed, Essek much closer than he’d thought. He turned, leaning against the ship’s railing and found himself face to face with him, close enough to reach out and touch.</p><p>Essek’s blue eyes were easy to get lost in, like the unfathomable depths of the ocean, a whirlpool in which Caleb would happily drown.</p><p>“I know I do not deserve this,” Essek said, his voice a whisper on the breeze, stepping closer still, “but I find myself wanting it regardless. You said, Caleb, more than friends… do you still feel that way?”</p><p>Words choked in Caleb’s throat, the rapid beating of his heart making it hard to catch his breath. But when the hint of a frown creased Essek’s brow, something inside him ached, and Caleb threw caution to the wind and ignored all sense and rationality. He reached out and took hold of the luxurious silk of Essek’s robe, tugging him closer still, leaned down, and kissed Essek. His lips were soft and his mouth was sweet, like peppermint tea and honey. Essek froze in his embrace for a moment before groaning and pressing forward.</p><p>Caleb skimmed his hands across Essek’s back, unsure where to place them, wanting to touch everything and anything. He traced the flex of Essek’s shoulders before settling upon Essek’s hips, pulling their bodies flush.</p><p>“Caleb,” Essek hissed, breaking apart to stare up at him with glassy eyes and kiss-bitten lips. “Is this your answer?”</p><p>The chuckle escaped without his permission, but he didn’t regret the sly grin Essek gifted him in return. </p><p>“Yes,” he rasped. He traced Essek’s knife-edge cheekbone with the pad of his thumb and followed it with a caress of his lips. “Perhaps I am a fool twice over, but yes.”</p><p>Essek’s eyes fluttered closed and he turned his face up in a silent request. Caleb took his time, pressing kisses along Essek’s jawline and down his throat, enjoying the way Essek shifted with building frustration, hissing when Caleb grazed his teeth over delicate soft skin.</p><p>“The first time I saw you, I wondered how something so beautiful could be so stern and unforgiving,” Caleb murmured. “But of course, we’re all complex beings. All of us imperfect. I have made my own mistakes, Essek. There is no denying that.”</p><p>“The only mistake you are making is not giving me what I want right now,” Essek grumbled, his hands tangling in Caleb’s hair, trying to control the kiss. Caleb leaned back, breaking the connection, and smoothed a hand over Essek’s hip, down his firm behind, squeezing an acknowledgement, before grasping Essek’s thigh and hitching up his leg. Essek’s growl turned into a groan and Caleb used his other hand to cup Essek’s face and give him the kiss he’d been demanding, their bodies pressed together, moving as one.</p><p>He panted against Essek’s mouth when he rolled their hips in a hot, sinuous, indecent slide. It took all of Caleb’s self-control to not tumble them to the deck and pin Essek against it, exploring every inch of his body.</p><p>“We can’t do this here,” he said between frantic kisses. “Essek. Essek, you’re not even disguised.”</p><p>Essek muttered a word in an unknown language; Undercommon, judging by the vowel forms, but he took a step back, extracting himself from their embrace. His cheeks were flushed indigo and there was a mark on his throat that could only have been made by Caleb’s mouth. He looked utterly debauched. Caleb found that he was feeling rather smug.</p><p>“As loathe as I am to admit it, you’re right. This is not the time or place.” Essek began patting down his hair. Caleb snorted. It was a lost cause. He caught Essek’s waist and slipped a hand past the buttons to sneak a touch beneath his robe, fingers flexing when he found nothing but bare skin beneath.</p><p>Caleb shuddered a breath. “Fuck. Essek.”</p><p>“I did not expect that I… that you would... I did not feel as if I had the time to don my full outfit,” Essek replied, shoulders tensing. Caleb snorted, circling his thumb in an aimless pattern on Essek’s stomach, enjoying the way the taut muscle flexed.</p><p>“I’m glad.”</p><p>Essek glanced up from beneath his lashes, a devastating look that Caleb was certain he wielded with as much authority as his magic. “Come back to my tower?”</p><p>Caleb contemplated it for a heartbeat, but knew that he could not. He withdrew his touch and instead caught Essek’s hand, drawing it up to brush his lips across Essek’s knuckles.</p><p>“Would that I could.” He looked around, gesturing at the ship. “But I can’t. This is where I must stay.”</p><p>Essek swallowed and squeezed Caleb’s hand before releasing it. “I understand. I know that your duty is to your friends.” A wistful smile flickered across his face. “One day perhaps I will take Veth up on her offer, if it still stands. Travelling with the Mighty Nein would be a great honour.”</p><p>Veth… when she discovered this, she would feel so betrayed. Some of his disconcertion must have shown on his face, because Essek mirrored his frown.</p><p>“Of course, only if the invitation stands. I would not want to presume—”</p><p>Caleb cut off the rest of Essek’s sentence with a chaste kiss. “I want you to presume,” he said. “But Essek, be warned. We are all fond of second chances… but none of us will stand for a third.”</p><p>Essek inclined his head. “As I said when we first spoke of this… I am my own worst punishment. I have never felt anything as painful as betraying you, before I even knew that you were my friends to betray. This is not an experience I wish to repeat.”</p><p>“Very well.” Caleb took a moment to drink the sight of Essek in, certain he would not get the chance to see him so soft again for a long while. Essek seemed to bask in his appreciation, but it was not a surprise that a creature as beautiful as he was vain. </p><p>With a final squeeze of their joined hands, Caleb released him and moved back. “Safe travels, my friend.”</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow, Caleb.”</p><p>“Good night, Essek.”</p><p>“Good night.”</p><p>With a muttered incantation and a quiet <em> pop </em>, Essek was gone, and Caleb was alone on the deck once more. He touched a hand to his lips, certain they were flushed red, and smiled to himself. For once, he was eager for morning to come.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>THESE VERDAMMT BOIS INSPIRED ME TO WRITE MY FIRST FIC IN NEARLY A YEAR.</p><p>Please Liam O'Brien, if you love us, please romance the hell out of Essek.</p><p>Also has anyone else found themselves a bit turned around by Veth first inviting Essek to the MN and then planning his punishment? I feel like this needs to be called out. I appreciate that Sam was likely buzzed on the live show (it was a fantastic one) but I need some continuity here if I'm going to be writing canon-compliant fics. Think of the fanfic writers, Sam!</p><p>Please comment if you've caught up and also need someone to rant with about what's happened in these last few episodes. I don't know anyone else that has.</p><p>Title from Never Let Me Go by Florence and the Machine</p></blockquote></div></div>
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